Hi. It’s me, jess. It has been an inordinate amount of time since I’ve laid eyes on this platform and sat down to write out some thoughts. Growing up, I journaled nearly everyday, and while I know how important and helpful it is for someone like me - it’s so hard to find the time. Lately though, I’ve found myself living in my head more than usual. I’m your typical over-stimulated mom, but I’m also an introverted empath, and now I’m also a student midwife. Often it feels as though my body and mind aren’t connected, and I’m watching myself go through experiences. It’s not until I’m alone that I can I go back to the experience and process it. My husband makes jokes after we watch a film or finish a t.v. series that we’ll talk about it in a few weeks. He’s got his opinion, comments and thoughts ready to go as the credits roll, I will think deeply on the subject and formulate my thoughts, and randomly start talking about it at dinner in a month. In a fast paced, talkative world, this often makes me feel like something is wrong with me. All this to say, I had an experience last night where I wasn’t able to articulate my thoughts in the time I had, and I’d love to not only share them with whoever feels like reading this, but also get them out of my head (upside down, smiling emoji). Unlike other blog posts, I’m not going to stew on this one for a few weeks and edit and re-edit, because the time to act is now. So forgive errors and less polished approach.
Side note - it feels like a super cosmic coincidence that I opened this platform to see my last blog post, which was 3 years ago (mind-blow emoji). That particular birth was my first home birth experience, which ultimately led me to where I am today. It tilted my world on it’s axis and quite literally changed my life.
What I wish so deeply, was that I had that experience before I thought about starting a family. Which leads me back to last night’s VBAC Advocacy event a The Womb Room. It was truly just a thing on my calendar and I hadn’t give it much thought at all, and I even planned to leave a bit early for another commitment. It’s funny how trauma and unprocessed emotions can sneak up on you when you least expect it.
I arrived at The Womb Room’s beautiful new space around 6:30. After a few minutes of small talk, we all sat down as a group to watch a documentary titled, Trial of Labor. Within the first few minutes I knew I was in for a doozy of an evening. The film follows several women on their journey through a trial of labor after a cesarean; it shows how extraordinarily difficult it is for women to find a supportive provider, and also the mental and emotional rollercoaster that some women experience after an unexpected cesarean delivery. It was difficult for many women in the room, including myself; tissues were passed and gentle hands reached out in support. If there is one place you want to be when you’re feeling vulnerable, heavy emotions - it is in a room with birth workers. One thing I hadn’t expected to feel last night, was that I wasn’t alone in mourning parts of my birth experiences. As tears streamed down several faces in that room, I felt a camaraderie that I didn’t know I needed.
After the film we went around the room to introduce ourselves and give thoughts. Circling back to the beginning of this blog, I obviously didn’t have enough time to process and put the sentences together that I wish I’d been able to. If I could go back, this is what I would have said:
Hi, my name is Jessica Watts, I am a student midwife and birth photographer. More importantly, I am a woman who gave birth three times. I did so via cesarean sections. I’m eternally grateful for my “healthy babies, healthy mom” outcome, but also very sad, and that’s normal. I spent more time than I’d like to admit on intensive research and fighting for my VBACs. I was up against an enormous system, a giant, who wasn’t interested in listening to me and consistently pushed fear at me. We could go on all day about statistics and and risks for vbac vs. cesarean (spoiler: they both come with risks), or how insurance companies play a role, but what we should be talking about is how it is a woman’s decision to do what she wants with her body. I shouldn’t have needed to fight and to spend my pregnancy reading medical journals and hundred page consent forms littered with fear. While my days of giving birth are through, I am going to be a part of this change, and fight for the all the women who deserve better care and support.
I also learned last night that in many countries, VBACs are not even considered “high risk.” The primary option is a VBAC for subsequent pregnancies unless the woman should choose otherwise. It is no secret that our country has a long road ahead to get where it needs to be in women’s healthcare, and while the country’s problems are a heavy weight to carry on our shoulders - there is something we can do. Right here, in our own little state of Maryland; Annapolis to be more exact. We can fight for women to have access to better, more supportive care. Currently, if you want a trial of labor after cesarean, you are on your own to find and fight for that support. There are very few CNMs (certified nurse midwives) in our area who practice out-of-hospital and it is out of the scope of practice for CPMs (certified professional midwives) to care for someone seeking a VBAC. House bill 351 addresses this issue and will solve the VBAC provider desert we have here in MD. If passed, our family, friends, and neighbors could receive the care and support that they deserve.
You don’t have to join us in Annapolis on February 1st for Lobby Day; you could write a testimonial, share this blog, go “like” Maryland Families for Safe Birth on facebook, tell your family and friends. You may not have had the experience of a cesarean or TOLAC, but surely you know at least one woman close to you who has, or will eventually, and I know your support would mean a lot.
I arrived at last night’s event as a student midwife with a thing on her calendar, unaware of how impactful it would be to hear other women’s stories and drudge up my own feelings regarding VBAC. I left with a new fire ignited in my soul, and if you’ve read this far, I hope you will find a few minutes to help us in this fight.
